Time to update. . .

Holy Cow I can't believe it has been so long. Well, a quick update since trying to recap the last 6 months of our lives is all but impossible. . .

Okay, me and the kids moved up to Malad in August, and Travis is in Vegas until December if we can get him a job up here, if not, then he has to stay there until then--so I have been working my butt off doing apps and resumes and all that crap--um, let's see

TJ

TJ is 14 months old, started walking his birthday week. He is so tiny now, it is incredible that he was born wearing 3-6 month clothes and by the time he was 4 months he was in 6-9, but then he stayed in 6-9 for so long! He has only barely graduated to 12 month clothes and lengthwise, they fit, but his butt is so dang skinny he needs a belt with every pair of paints!!! Here he came almost 11 lbs, I reseasoned all his clothes thinking that he wont be able to wear this or that in summer or winter. Ugh. I guess as long as his diapers fit that is all that matters, right?

Still no words from him, besides mama and dada, as everyone who calls knows. Everytime the phone rings he calls for DADA. He talks to Dada everyday. I partly wonder if he thinks the phone is called a dada? Who knows. He is so smart and cuddly and lovey. He is also very independent and loud when he doesn't want to bugged. I am proud to report that he is officially an expert on Grampa's birthday 4-wheeler. He can't turn quite yet, but boy soes he know where the go button is. He loves running it into walls and it is stinking hilarious to watch. I will have to post a video sometime.

Morgan and Madisen

The girls are, well, the girls! They have had a pretty emotional time without Travis. We had hime here 24/7 for 3 months!!! Now he is here only a weekend here and there and it is HARD!!! The first 2-3 weeks after he was gone and we were in our own place, just imagine the meltdowns. One or the other might have a good day here or there, but generally every day was constant meltdown and whining for daddy and when is daddy ccoming home and I don't love you mommy I only love daddy and I want him right now! Yes.

Then, weekend came when he was able to come home. Picture it, if you will, all the kids running out to meet him at 10 at night, telling him all at the same time everything important like 'Morgan hit me and Madisen looked at me and Mom didn't let me watch a movie and she made me eat my food.' A good friend of mine had it on good authority that what kids act like when they are 4 is how they will act when they are teenagers. Shut up, I told her. We laughed. At the time, it felt like the craziness with them was unending, but, with time interestingly, things have calmed down. They know that Daddy will come home eventually and love to count the days. They talk every day and tell him all about their dreams and what happened at school---

Oh yes, school. So once upon a time I had the chance to enroll them for headstart program 4 days a week for 4 hours. . . guess who was lazy and put it off and missed the deadline? yes, mua. So all this time I was so frustrated that I had no break from the crazy hormone queens, but it was my own fault. Lucky for me, they are in a 2 day a week 4 hour a day preschool that doesn't cost a buttload of money.

Also, a lovely neighbor told me about a dance class, and the dance teacher told me about a gymnastics class. So now they have a full schedule! Mondays and Wednesdays, school from 830-1230, Tuesdays, one hour of gymnastics, and of course Library time, and thursdays and hour of dance. A nice breather for me and an energy user for them. They had a cow when they saw the gymnastic teacher at the store. Screaming and yelling and 'look mommy I can't believe it!!! I know him!" Yes, they are very excitable. They are loving school and their extracurriculars. I dread the day when they stop begging me for more homework. I hope they always have an interest in learning.

Madisen is taking quite an interest in cooking, too! Always asking if she can help stir the pot or crack the eggs. She is excellent at chore-doing too. She canme up to me just the other day, put her arm around me and said 'Mom, I am such a great bed-maker.' She VOLUNTEERS to make the beds--all of them. She also loves rinsing dishes, and having a helper is nothing but awesome!

Morgan talks all the time about unknown people and places. Maddie helps sometimes, but Morgan is the pro at making up her own language. It is true that twins have their own language. People would ask me when the girls were much younger if they talked to each other in their own language. Since they didn't back then, I figured they never would. But they do and it is hilarious. Morgan is not so much into cooking or cleaning, but she does pretty good about helping out when she is asked. I think having her in school has really helped her willingness to help. She is really into tying things ever since she and Mad learned to tie their shoes a month ago. And she loves being in charge of things or people.

Dakota and Delsin

It has been so nice being closer to the boys. We have seen them almost every other weekend when Travis comes in, and the girls and TJ have loved the time they get to have here. Dakota is 10 and very helpful and responsible. He likes to help out with the dog and go for walks around the neighborhood. When it was warmer, we went almost everyday for walks, and the kids would ride their scooters and bikes.

Delsin was baptized over the summer and can ride a bike all by himself now. He has an immediate smile and loves playing video games with Dakota. Both of them are really doing well in school and seem to really love their teachers and friends. They have a new little baby brother, Kevin, who was born in May. They love him so much, it is so cute to see them with him.

Both are in scouts and seem to really enjoy it. For a few visits they have brought their scout books in hopes that they could pass off some things with Travis, but alas, every time he comes up there is so much to do! It seems like there is never enough time. One thing for sure, though, they sure love being able to see Travis more. And being so close now it is not such a shock every time we see them. I could have sworn once that inbetween visits while we were in Vegas that each of them had grown a whole foot! And once they started loosing their teeth and getting their permanants in, holy cow they just looked so much older! So it is nice to see them growing up a bit more gradually than before.

Me

I have talked a bit about myself as I have written about the kids. I am still fat. HAHA. I gained quite a bit of weight after TJ, which was a bit depressing, since I had lost those 55 lbs. But one day I will get there again. A treadmill would help I'm sure. Anyone wanna give me one? No, it just seems like I am so busy with getting the house all together and out of boxes and trying to keep it clean and raising the kids, I don't really have the TIME to dedicate to myself right now. I am okay with waiting--for now--. Without a husband, things like losing weight aren't high on my list. Making sure the kids are fed and alive and the house is liveable, that takes priority. The weight will have to wait. I am a fan of The Biggest Loser, though. I know eventually I will get there.

Recently I have been all over the web looking for Travis a job here or there or anywhere near so he CAN come up in December when he is finished. I don't know how single moms do it. It is SOOOOOOO HARD!!!!! I would never in a million years do this if I had a choice. The effect is has on the kids and on my sanity is overwhelming. I just keeop telling myself it will be over soon, this is just a small moment in the big picture. It has to be over soon.

Other than that, I am just here, existing and trying to smile through it. =)

Travis

Travis is so happy that school is almost over. It does seem hard to believe that it has been 4 years already, but there it is, the end is in sight. He is doing so awesome in school, I think over the past 8 semesters he has maybe pulled 3 B grades, and the rest are A's. He is busy studying to take the TEST! Sounds so scary and formiddable, but I know he will do excellent! He is done on the girls' 5th birthday, December 16, so I think that around Christmas time we will have a dual celebration. If he gets a job up here, we will have even more to celebrate!

So there is the big short update. I update the pics -- but even those are clear from Easter. Man, I just need more time and less to do. HA! A girl can dream, right?

It finally feels like we are on the border now instead of just looking at the map to plan the trip. Still a little ways to go, but we can see the end, and the end looks great! I am reminded of an experience I had and a poem I wrote about it. I'll share:

When I was attending Snow College and would go out of town for a time, always on the way back, in daylight or evening, I would look for the Manti Temple as my signal for being almost home. One particular evening, I was driving later at night, and around the bend I came. There, off in the distance but as bright as you can imagine, stood the Manti Temple in all its illuminated glory. Words came to my mind and stayed there (a miracle in itself) until I got home to write them down. A BEACON IN THE DARKNESS. This became the title of my poem, which unfortunately I do not have to post at the moment. But I think the title says it all.

Every time when I am driving somewhere and I see a temple all lit up, that moment comes to my mind, then comes the phrase, then the feeling of knowing that I am almost home. I can't help but think that it is the same feeling that my ancestors and friends and family have felt as they were dying. As they pass through the veil, they leave the darkness of the world and move towards their beacon of light on their jouney home. At least that is what I like to imagine. I will find the poem and post it. Hopefully it's pretty good, cause I have written some crappy stuff, lol.

Gail Bernadette Daube Tilley

Travis lost his mom Monday night. it was very sudden. she was only 62. It makes it easier knowing that she is busy on the other side and that we will see her again. i think the hardest part of it all is how out of nowhere it came. one minute she is paying the bills, and the next. . .

Travis is very strong right now. . .I think as the days continue it will sink in more and more, though. please keep him in your prayers. we cant receive calls because we have no service in idaho, but anyone can leave a message and trav can call when we leave here.

Gail lived a wonderful life and she will be remembered for all of the love and service she always gave to others. We will miss her, especially this Mother's Day, but the Lord has His ways, adn we take comfort in knowing that He does what is best for each one of us.

Gail, Mom, Grandma, we love you.

quick note. . .

yes we are still alive. . .i can't wait for our tax return, i think i might buy a year's worth of internet! i really miss not blogging and being able to check other's blogs. . .oh well. girls are doing fantastic. they are so excited to be 4, and they love telling people so. they are so helpful with tj and love being big sisters.

dakota and delsin are growing so fast! we saw them over new years break and, even though it hasn't been THAT long since we saw them last, the amount they have grown is astounding! they are both doing excellent in school (delsin was having some trouble early on) and their teachers just love them!

tj just graduated to 6-9 month clothes. . .yes, you read right. . .he's not yet 4 months old. . .he is a big boy, although he has grown out of his chubbiness and into his height. i love collecting all kinds of sports decorations and toys and things for him. having a boy from babydom is a new thing for me, and i love it! he laughed about 2 weeks ago, scoots with his knees pretty far (not very good with his hands yet, so his face goes into the bed, and he also can ROLL OVER!!! yes, he rolls from his tummy to his back. he only does it when he's mad, though, so i'm not sure if he actually intends to do it or not, but he does it pretty much every time if i let him get mad enough, lol.

travis senior is back to school and not enjoying it. . .having both jobs and school gives him not much time at home and hardly time to study. his teacher seems nice and one nice thing is his class stays the same every year, so all the friends he has made at school he gets to still see. end of this year and he is done! that is one great thing about it. our last year. i plan on coming up late december or early 2010 to get a place and then travis will follow. yay! we cannot wait.

i am still looking for a job. less stress for travis and a break for me. the money should help too, but i don't really care about that. i think money is dumb. we were watching the work and the glory movie the other day and i wished that we could be like the pioneers way back when who shared everything and everyone cared for their neighbor. one day. . .

anyway, thats whats going on with us, oh and the weather this week has been in the 70's. thats one nice thing about vegas, i guess.

Zach and TJ

So I am at Ange's house right now watching the kids because she had to take Zacky to the ER. He and Drew were rough housing and Zach got a giant gash on his head, like an inch long. He was pretty upset that he might have to get stitches. (Might, I say, because they do other things sometimes like butterflying or glue these days). Pretty sad. So we are over here hanging out with Drew and Aiden and having mac and cheese. Yum.

My sweet little boy had a wonderful milestone last night, and the best part about it is that Travis was there to witness it. He has been gone a lot the last little bit, now that he has two jobs again (although yesterday was his last day of school until mid January, YAY!) Anyway, TJ LAUGHED!!! It was so cute, we were upstairs getting ready for bed and I was walking my fingers frfom his belly to his chest and talking, you know, like moms do, in those annoying high pitched baby talk voices, and he laughed twice!! It was the most adorable thing in the world! He is just so cute and smily all the time, I just love it.

Well, I don't know if I will get a chance to blog before Christmas, so I just want to tell everyone I love you and wish you all a Merry Christmas.

You know, this Christmas is going to be an interesting one for us. We have always tried to remember the real reason for celebrating the season and try not to get caught up in the commercialism of it all, but it is interesting how much harder it becomes when you HAVE everything you need. It becomes easy to be LESS grateful. Isn't that interesting? And then when catastophe strikes and all you are left with is your family, you realize that everything that is most important is intact. We have our family. We have our health. Even if something were to happen and we lost someone to tragedy, yes, it would be hard, but because we have the Gospel, even then we know everything will still be okay. We are sealed as a family together, and as hard as it might be if something were to happen, we would get by on our faith in the Gospel. Mostpeople find it easy to gripe and grumble when they go through trials, and I am sure I have done my share of it. But overall, I am thankful for what Heavenly Father has and is allowing us to go through. I am thankful that I have a Brother who loved me enough to die for me, to take upon Himself my sins, my imperfections, my sufferings, so that He could be my advocate when I fall short of perfection. It gives me faith and strength to endure this life knowing that if I try my best, even if it isn't enough, I can still be with the ones I love after I die. It makes me work even harder to do my best. If I am ever acting unthankful about my situation, remind me that I am being selfish and that I need to thank Heavenly Father for all I do have.

I hope this Christmas is very special for each one of you. I know it will be for our family.

Travis has a job!!!

Yes, ABC finally got back to him, and he has been working for over a week! Not nice for me, as I was really loving having a husband again, but I'll live.

We had a great time for TJ's blessing! I need to post the pics that I took, but wouldn't you know it, the camera is at home and I am at Ange's. . .oh well another time. Lots of friends and family were there to celebrate with us and it was great! I am so grateful I have a husband that upholds his priesthood and can do that for our family.

So other than Trav having two jobs now (again) and TJ's blessing, nothing is really new, and I had a lot i wanted to blog about, but wouldn't you know, I forgot?! That is the most annoying thing about my after pregnancy brain, is I can't remember anything! So please don't be offended if you tell me something and 5 seconds later I can't remember it. It really just goes away and I cannot get it back. . .ugh.

One piece of good news that could have turned out to be horrible, I went to change TJ's bum yesterday, and his "friend" was all red and swollen and bent-looking. A rush to UMC to see the doctor told me that it is foreskin cellulitis, which is apparently REALLY BAD! Thank goodness we got it taken care of right away, as now I am hearing it could cause things like sterility and possible amputation. . .yeah, wow. But with a hefty dose of antibiotics and some ointment, the swelling has gone down tremendously and TJ is in no danger of the aforementioned ailments that could have been. He doesnt even seem to care about it, until I have to ointment the tender spot, then he gets a little squirmy, but otherwise it doesn't bother him at all.

Something funny, Madisen was helping me get him dressed a few days ago and we put this little jacket on him. She put his hands in the front pockets of the jacket and says, "There, Mom, now he's HAND some!" It was the cutest thing I thing I have ever heard as of yet. And the fact that she made the connection that the word HAND is in the word handsome. Little smarty. She loves rhyming too, and Aunt Cynda said that generally when kids pick up on rhyming words, they tend to be good readers. I hope so. Both Morgan and Madisen both love books and love "reading" themselves. (that is, they love for me to read slowly so they can repeat what I read).

Anyway, next blog, I'll try to remember to post pics. All the kids are getting so big! Crazy.

Here is an adorable few minutes of the cuteness I get to enjoy every day. This is my sweet boy. We are so blessed.

Travis has been out of work for over three weeks now (for those of you who don't know, he was laid off from Arco.) It has been a wonderful and stressful time. Oddly enough, it was an answer to my prayer. . .remember how I was all depressed about myself a few weeks ago? Well, before Travis came home with the layoff news, I had a conversation with him about how yucky I was feeling and I felt like things needed to "change". I wanted more time with him, but that was all but impossible because he had TWO jobs and school. I felt like we (me and the kids) were just on our own a lot of the time. Of course I understood. He couldn't just quit work or school to hang out with us just because I wanted him too (hormones).

So we set up some goals that might help us spend more time together, as a couple and as a family. . .our goals were not reached, mostly for lack of time. Travis had about 15 minutes between jobs and school, except on Sundays, we all went to Church together and afterwards had about 2 hours before he had to leave. We made the best of it, but of course, it wasn't enough for me. . .I know, people have had to sacrifice way more than that, but at the time it was quite a big deal. Then he got laid off and now we have LOTS of time! Sounds crazy, I know, but I am loving it! We go for walks around the neighborhood together and take the kids to the park (very hard for me to do alone). Travis has even taken charge of all the kids so I could have a NAP!!! It sounds so trivial, but it meant so much.

So now our situation financially is dire, we are finally able to achieve the goals we set, and thanks to this layoff, Travis isn't coming home to such a sourpuss anymore. Who cares about money? I don't. Money is dumb and I think it is rediculous that it is such a necessity. What is important is my family and showing love for one another and if we can do that, who cares about anything else?

We have noticed a giant change in the girls' behavior since Travis has been home more. I think it has been really important to them to have dad around, especially with the 'new baby syndrome' going on. The lack of attention they have to deal with when I have to feed TJ or whatever, Travis has more than made up for it. They have really missed him.

We do still need a job sometime, unfortunately, either for Travis or me in the near future, so we can afford, you know, the basic life sustaining needs like food and shelter. Please keep us in your prayers that something like that will happen in the near future. We have been so blessed already, and we know Heavenly Father will not leave us hanging.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Yeah for blogs

We have a giant on our hands. . .TJ is now (as of 10 days ago) 11 pounds 8 ounces and 24 inches long, yes he grew 2 1/2 inches in one month! I can't believe it! He looks really well porportioned, but he is just so big! Everyone who sees him tells me how little he is, but he really isn't. He is just a love bug though. So cuddly and lovey. Very much a Mama's boy. On eTuesday he will be six weeks old, and this coming weekend he gets to meet his cousins Luke and Ava, and GRandma and hopefully Grandpa too, and Aunt Kim and Aunt Jamie. We are pretty excited to see all of them as well.

So my wonderful friends Kristine and John invited us over for dinner tonight (hence the blog update, thanks guys!) and Kristine tells me that this coming Saturday her ward is hosting a swap shop, where you drop off your nice junk and pick out from other people's nice junk junk. funny way of putting it, but you know, other words just aren't fitting for some reason right now, I think I am having a brain retarded moment. . .

Anyhow, I am awefully excited about it, as I have been purging the house of every unnecessary piece of junk we own, because I just can't stand the mess and the clutter and when it comes to clothes, the laundry. I have 6 bags of clothes that are too small or that we never wear, and this swap shop will hopefully replace some of the clothes that we actually need, like little girls pants, or whatever. . .so that will be fun.

Here is Madisen giving a cheesy grin. So cute.

This last week has been an interesting one for me. I feel sort of weird sharing it all with the world through the blog, but after a wonderful talk with a friend in the ward, she let me know that it is almost always better to get it out and ask for help than keep it in and just wish things were different. After about the first two weeks post partum, I started to feel very moody, or I started to notice my moodiness was really beginning to affect the way I treated my family and friends. I asked for a Priesthood blessing and felt some comfort, and I know that there are things I can do to improve my PPD issues, like exercising and getting time away from the kids, but I hate to "bother" anyone else to take my kids, and when it comes to the baby, I feel like it is pretty soon to be leaving him with anyone yet, at least for too long (like more than 15 minutes).

It's weird, because I never really had these feelings after the girls were born. It just feels like, when I try to get something accomplished, like clean the kitchen, I have to sacrifice my time with the girls, or if I spend time with the girls, I have no choice but to neglect the kitchen, or whatever the chore, and then I feel guilty and inadequate because I can't do it all and it seems like everyone else can. I'm sure this is just an adjustment phase (the drs say that if PPD lasts longer than like, three months, medication is recommended). So I guess I still have 6 more weeks to figure it out before I'll be committed to Shady Hills, lol.

I know, this is a serious subject, and I shouldn't joke, but I guess that is how I deal with it. It's easier to laugh about something than to cry about it. I just hope that having that attitude will be enough to get me through. That and looking at my beautiful children (see above, just in case you missed it.)